Evolving forwards and longing to go back.
I'm back at work this week after almost five weeks of vacation. Although last week was less about vacation and more about doing practical stuff and handling family matters, but still. 
I love this time of year when pretty much everybody else is on vacation and I am all but alone in the city. It is the time for doing things I have been putting off, like editing personal work, doing my accounting and looking at strategies going forward businesswise. I am in a place right now where I feel like I am fed up with the internet, and trying to shape it in to something I want it to be, at the same time. Can you relate? Like ... I miss how it all used to be? Before social media, when everything was less cynical and more inspired, innocent. When money and selling a brand wasn't even considered a reason to "be on the internet". Back when I would build fan pages about Kirsten Dunst and took messy self portraits with my tiny compact camera and posted them to Flickr and Myspace. I don't know. I just want all of this to be over. For something to shift, to change. To become something else. Do you know what I mean?
On another note, here are some photos I took this spring featuring my talented friend and colleague Elsa for Daisy beauty . However, I feel like these photos of her feel more like her old look, somehow. She’s of course equally beautiful whichever look she sports, I just noticed a slight change in her styling just now when I looked at the photos. It is so interesting to watch someone that you've "grown up alongside online" evolve and develop, both on a personal level and lookwise. I relate so much to Elsa's blogging about her latest style changes and her new look, and I love reading her thoughs on the matter and what she's drawn to. She has such a unique eye for trends and zeitgeist.
I too have made such major stylistic and look related changes in my life during the last couple of years that I no longer feel any real connection to the girl I used to be. Not that I don't like her or what influenced her, I'm just not drawn to what she was drawn to. Stylewise, I mean. And, in many senses personally as well, I guess. I can remember what motivated me then, and how I felt and thought, but I don't feel or think that way anymore. I think partly it is because I have made a conscious decision to move on from being an "influencer" and "online persona" to being solely a photographer. I dress much more utilitarian nowadays, and more androgynous. Less like a fantasy or cartoon character, less like a child. On the other hand, I believe that being treated for my depression and PTSD as well as extensive therapy and letting go of toxic relationships in my life has given me the strength and clarity to see who I am now. I don't really know what prompted Elsa's longing to change her style, but I can relate so much to wanting to step away from what I used to be and evolving in to someone new. And honestly, I have never been happier with who I am or what I am than I am now. I don't think is has to do with changing my style; that has been going on for a long time - but I do feel that how I feel is reflective in how I choose to look. And as I feel increasingly better and better, I notice that I tend to dress simpler, less fussy. Like I am more open to just being me, without any bells and whistles. Because I am for once in my life okay with just being me. - Emily